Thank you to those who prayed for me, listen to my fears, held my hand, and generally thought well for me in this stressful time. It is over. It is done. I passed!
Now on to the lecture recital and doctoral essay (7500 wds) about the classical influence on Bill Evans.
I am scheduling a field trip to southern Louisiana college which is where Bill Evans went to undergraduate before becoming famous. There is a special collection and things that Bill donated to the school.
Stoked.
I have also been composing again. I am working on some big Ben charts and my dirty south suite for jazz orchestra.
#keepingitTrill
had a fun gig last night for the Honors College. was the evening’s entertainment.
I have a mood disorder, Bipolar I, and generally have both a depressed and manic spell each month.
I go through this cycle often.
I absolutely welcome not being depressed anymore, as I came out of the darkness last Thursday. Subtly. But on Saturday, I saw my first flashes of “fast time” though. I immediately checked in with dudes in my support group, some in recovery and one who is clean/sober and also has bipolar. I made the commitment not to eat sugar or take caffeine, as suggested by one of my dudes. Sugar is like cocaine to the manic brain. Same for caffeine. Those are two of my last devices to cope with. Sugar especially when I have depression.
I’ve done well with that so far. I also started my walks again. Walking is good for both sides of the spectrum, of course. I walked for an hour yesterday. Today, 45 mins.
Here’s where it gets tricky: SLEEP. I went to bed Saturday around 10:30pm and made it a point to turn my wi-fi off to help fight my compulsion to be on my phone. I used my meditation app Simply Being and got some rest. Then I woke at 2:45am…
For the day.
I played my church job which I am super grateful for for many reasons. I avoided caffeinated coffee and the mmmmm lovely Shipley’s doughnuts at the church. After a father’s day gathering with the dad’s on my wife’s side of the family, I left to get home to work on a paper that’s due today. I wanted to work all day with no naps but that wasn’t going to be possible.
I am grateful I could nap for an hour. What I must keep in mind is that my illness is getting better. It really is better. When full-blown manic, sleep is quite elusive.
By 8pm, it felt like the middle of the night and I pushed through to write about and listed to Debussy’s Pagodes more.
My goal was to sleep 10-6am then get up and work for the day. Instead, boom! I’m wide awake 3.5hrs later.
I’ve gotten some good progress and have to question why if I haven’t blogged in months am I doing so now?
It is because I’m frustrated and tired of this. I don’t want to have bipolar disorder. I just want to be cool. Maybe a little up, a little down, but not this shit. Depression is for the fucking birds and I can fight it, but I cannot seem to beat it. It’s as if I’m going to be depressed for at least 10 days out of the month. Ugh! And mania, well, although everything feels good, I often lose track of time, spend money I don’t have, and other painful things.
Having written that two things come to mind. It is getting better. I am on an incline where the spectrum of mental health is concerned. I have more tools to cope than when I was diagnosed with BP in 2010. So… I’ll keep taking my meds, I will check in with my doctors, I will carve out time to walk everyday, I’ll go to more meetings, I will stay connected, I will schedule meals (I forget to eat), I will meditate, and lastly, I will avoid caffeine and sugar.
I don’t have to go full blown manic, I can harness my superpowers for good.
I will write a good paper on my analysis of Debussy. It’s 4:25am and the world is quiet. Class isn’t until 2pm.
I don’t like this last “I will” statement… I will stay offline until this evening. #yikes
When I was on the O.L. Luther Unit (2001-2002) in Navasota, TX, I used to sing this every morning (4AM) on the way to work at the dog kennel. That was where they trained the dogs to learn how to track (inmates). I was never an actual “dog boy” who would go outside of the prison grounds to lay a track then fight the dogs. I was the office boy. Until I was fired and put on the yard squad.
Years later, when it came time to record a new cd, I wanted to do a few non-Standard covers and chose this one I learned from Brother Ray.
Erin Wright sat in on the session and provided the beautiful bass on this track which features Andre Hayward on trombone.
Our second sextet rehearsal was yesterday, this one was more challenging due to the reading of my new tune, “Gratitude.” Modal and mixed meter, it had some editing issues that… are best to come out in rehearsal and not on the bandstand! A little cleaning up of the way it is barred and it will be good.
We also dusted off “Busted” and “Latin Goes Ska, Goes Swing.” “Waiting for the End” is always a challenge and it’s sounding really good. We also rehearsed “I Should Care.” The tune is a laid-back swing that goes into double time. I wrote the arrangement background figures so they would work at double time too. Note to self: don’t count it off too fast on Sunday! Here’s the full track of “I Should Care” featuring Dennis Dotson.
The band is sounding great! Big thanks to Daleton Lee who subbed for Richard Cholakian.
Sunday: Kellye Gray live cd recording taping at Wire Road studios. Pamela York, Sebastian Whittaker, Andre Hayward, Warren Sneed, David Craig
Tuesday: 1st rehearsal for my cd release party. Rich, DC subbing, Kenneth Easton (sub), Seth Paynter, and Ed Lowe
Here’s my arrangement of “I Should Care,” featuring Dennis Dotson.
played trombone and sang at Art Fristoe jazz jam Tim Ruiz, Wat Son, Robert Ceballos.
Wed : major brake job with Gken Ackerman (musician can hang)
Thursday: solo piano/vocals Standards gig at Alzheimer’s community
Tianna Hall’s inaugural vocal jazz jam at Costa’s with Paul Douglas Chester (vox/bone), sang duets with Tianna and also Diane Landry. Sang “Dream Boxes” for Dana Rogers . It’s a song I wrote for Debbie Deborah Dunlap when her mom died. (On Tell Her for Me)
then, off to Erin Fisher Wright and Alisha Pattillo ‘s jam at Dan Electro’s (bone/vox) with Glen Ackerman and Erin. I had the honor of playing in front of one of Stevie Wonder’s trumpeters and also layed a new CDs on him.
Friday: Stevie Wonder
Saturday night KPFT: promoted cd release concert. thanks Soular Grooves and Brotha Jibril Yusef Abdul-Salaam!
Today/Sunday: Houston Symphony Verdi Requiem at Jones Hall to see/listen to Melissa Ragsdale Darragh sing in the chorus.
and that, my friends, is how I spend my last Spring Break as a student.
As a pianist who sings I am often asked to do Elton Joel or Billy John songs.
I finally learned a Jilly Bowl song and I changed it. ALOT.
Since I have two of the greatest OUT players in my group, I decided in the middle of “Just the Way You Are (except with different changes and no bridge)” we would go out. This is the last track off the new cd, Too Much Monday.
I have (same acronym) but Bi-Polar Disorder I. Stigma, stigma, stigma!!! Throughout history, many of our most creative artists had mental illness. It’s so misunderstood. “Why don’t you just not be depressed?” – “why don’t you just go to sleep!” Don’t be manic. Freak.
I’m medicated and in therapy and also a recovering alcoholic/drug addict. The mental illness and substance abuse are absolutely related.
I got into therapy because a sponsee called me drunk and with a shotgun. I told him to go to C.A.P.S.
which is UH’s psychiatric help deal. FREE to students. Because I told him to go, it saved his life. I found out it was free and started going myself. It the saved my life. I was 3 yrs sober at the time but waking up every day thinking “I want to die” upon awakening. I got into therapy. I got on Meds. I leveled out. I met me therapist, Dr. Santhi. still see her regularly (8 years later)
In 2010, I got primary custody of My daughter, started my doctorate, began a demanding, good-paying church job, and got engaged to be married and also married. The mania that I had experiencing at 16 restarted. Badly. VERY badly. Rage. Throwing shit. Almost relapsed. Got on a medicine (because I’d switched doctors) that almost killed me. Seroquel.
Thankfully, I got off that shit. Changed back to Dr. Lee. Got on lithium and Abilify then slowly added bupropion. And now, years after that, I’m better than I’ve ever been.
Fuck stigma. Fuck people that don’t try and understand mental illness.
Depression is not a choice and SUICIDE IS NOT SELFISH.
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